Therapy Works

for me. Sometimes. Does it count when I break up with the therapist but eat a gummie and have THOUGHTS? The reason I stopped talking to the latest therapist is she told me I wasn’t special. Woof. I don’t remember reacting to that at the time but the next appointment came and went and I didn’t bother to go…or schedule another one. I just sat on that little nugget for 8 months until the other night when I had eaten a gummie and was laying in bed. The whole “Special” thing came up in my brain and I saw all of the things that I had done, said, been in the past in the pursuit of being especial to other people. There’s a lot of crap and lies and stories that I told over and over and over to become a special person in other’s eyes.

Then I had to get up and take a Buspar because I was getting sucked down a shame spiral and we don’t need that when coming to grips to a need that has been such a driving force in my life.

I want to say that I’ve outgrown the huge desire and need to be considered special. I don’t think I have. I do think that need is being filled first by myself. The enforced stillness and quiet of COVID lockdown did teach me how to like myself.

Secondly, I found my partner who 4 years later still looks at me like I’m Christmas. He makes me feel so special and loved every day.

Third - dude, toddlers think you rule the world and are magic. Who can’t get hyped up living with a small being who adores you?